APRIL FOOL'S - Living dead attack couple on outskirts of Jacksonville

Editor’s Note: This article is meant to be taken as a joke, in the vein of April Fool’s Day. Please take it as such.



By Cristin Ross

cross@jacksonvilleprogress.com

“They came outta nowhere,” New Birmingham resident Ronald Frobnitz exclaimed, pointing to the woods that border Woodhaven Circle in Jacksonville. “Shufflin’ and moanin’ something that sounded a lot like ‘braaaiiinnns.’

“They caught wind of us and slouched our way. I hollered ‘don’t look Ethyl,’ but it was too late, she’d done been chomped.”

Frobnitz and his friend Ethyl N. Glykol were doing a quiet spot of feral hog trapping on Woodhaven Circle this morning, when he claims they were attacked by “the living dead.”

“There’s about a half-a-dozen of ’em,” Glykol said, wiping herself down with a handful of Wet Ones and inspecting her Inferno red manicure for chips. “They almost had me, but they’re pretty slow, ya know — ’bout scared me to death!”

The couple described the beings as having gray complexions, a general tattered look to their clothing, slavering jaws and a vacant, cloudy look in their eyes.

“Come to think of it, maybe they was just IRS employees out for a walk,” Frobnitz said with a shrug as he scratched his bald head under his feed cap.

The couple were unharmed in the incident, other than losing what Frobnitz said was “the mother of all feral hogs” and getting grabbed at.

City officials are aware of the zombies’ presense.

“While we’re glad the animated dead won’t be tearing up our residents’ property, like the hogs do, we’re concerned these walking corpses are trying to bite those same residents’ faces off,” Jacksonville Police Chief Reece Daniel said.

Daniel said Texas Parks and Wildlife Department authorities give the same advice they give for handling the feral hogs in the area — “don’t feed ’em.”

Officials with the Zombie Squad, based out of St. Louis, Mo., are looking into the incident.

The squad’s mission, as stated on its Web site, www.zombiesquad.org, is to “protect civilization from the infringement of the walking dead upon the rights of the living to a peaceful existence.”

Zombie Squad is an elite zombie suppression task force that’s armed and waiting to defend the living from the shambling hordes of the walking dead.

“We provide trained, motivated, skilled zombie extermination professionals and zombie survival consultants,” the squad’s Web site states. “Our people and our training are the best in the industry.”

When the zombie removal business is slow the group focuses its efforts on community education of the importance of disaster preparation.

“Our goal is to educate the public about the importance of personal preparedness and self reliance, to increase its readiness to respond to disasters such as earthquakes, floods, terrorism or zombie outbreaks,” the site states. “We want to make sure you are prepared for any crisis situation that might come along in your daily life which may include having your face eaten by the formerly deceased.”

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This article is in no way, shape or fashion serious. Medical professionals continue to deny the threat of a zombie outbreak is real — but what do they know, really? The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, Reece Daniel, the Zombie Squad and Woodhaven Circle’s feral hog problems are real. Any similarities to any other person, place or event used in this article to any actual person, place or event is entirely coincidental. Happy April Fool’s Day.

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